I am calling this week my "only being in an abyss of darkness" week. Thank God for my teachers, they have shown me so much this week that I ignore. I have seen more of myself than ever. I am so lonely with no desire for companionship (lie), I want to go live in a hole. I have never had such overwhelming forward progress. but I love it. every second of it. I am loved. I am loved no matter what I do, we all are. But we have this ego cocoon obsession with being guilty, and beating ourselves up about it. We are the fucking oroborus, eating our own tails. Look what we have set up for ourselves: to lose is to lose and to win is to lose. My ego is sooooooo fucking smart. It says it wants you to be free of guilt so that you win, except it has a hidden agenda. It does not tell you that it is going to make you feel guilty about not feeling guilty if you ever get that far.  It's just like the Truman Show. How to climb over this? Look what I have projected on myself, and I have projected onto everyone else just as much. It is going to be so hard, pride swallowing. But I am going to do it.

We all express our fake made up illusion of sin in different ways. Some people express theirs in drinking, some in gambling, some in smoking, some in cheating, some in eating, some in any variety of ways. We all like to think that we are the only ones with the problem. EVERYONE has it, everyone does SOMETHING. And we all have the seeds of every single one of those things because we are all the same. We are like bubbles. But anyway, yes, when I say I hate that person for being a murderer, it is because I am make-wronging them. I am saying to God that Look, I am not like that, SEEEEE, I am better, so punish that person and not me. But I am only trying to hide that I have the same sin in me, only I choose a different expression, and I like to point out what everyone else is doing wrong so I can pretend like I am not, like I am better, am not guilty, even though I am the guiltiest of all, or so says my ego.

We are all drug addic alcoholic violent child abusing lying murdering hipocritical gluttonous cheating bastards, we just express it in different ways, some express theres farther to one end of the spectrum than others, but it is in all of us, and by looking down on them, saying they are bad, we are only trying to hide from ourselves and from God that we are just like them. Do any of us really know one another? We all have things from our past we don't share, we all have things we are ashamed of. We all have things about ourselves that we hate, that we wish were different but for whatever reason we think we cannot change it because we do not change it. We have guilt. That is it. only two things exist in the entire universe. Love and The call for love. Guilt and Fear are synonomous with the call for love. God and Love are synonomous. Love is NOT an emotion. It permeates all things, like the air. We are part of it, we are made of it, it is all we have, we can't be anything or have anything, or know anything other than Love, because Love is Truth is Reality is Everything is God is Us. It is impossible to escape, but we think we have.  

One of the most vivid dreams I ever had, was years ago, after some *amazing* sex (It makes me laugh to think that not a single person in my current life has really any idea about what I used to be like), I passed out cold for I have no idea how long. And then I had this dream, it was about bubbles. Just bubbles. I was making them and they filled up the entire world. Seriously. It was the most profound thing I didn't understand until today. I was making bubbles, infinite amounts of them, millions of them, and I was the only one. And then I woke up laughing hysterically and continued laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face and I couldnt talk or breathe hardly for about 10 minutes with many outbursts afterwards. God knows what my boyfriend at the time was thinking. I just remember waking up in his bed at his parents house laughing hysterically about bubbles with no idea what was so funny.

WE ARE BUBBLES. The air inside the bubble is seperated from the rest of the air because it is trapped inside this film of a bubble. When the bubble pops, the air becomes part of the rest of the air like it was never seperated from it, because of course it wasnt. It was still part of the air, the air was around it and in it, it just thought it was seperate because it had a little bubble body. Bubbles are very beautiful, they are round and bouncy and innocent, swirling with rainbow colors. This beautiful swirly film that I could get lost in and stare at it and wish it lasted forever but eventually it has to pop......this is our body. Our body is our guilt, it is our fear, it is the son of a bitch that makes me play this stupid fucking game of I am not Love and I am separate from Love and I am seperate from all the other little bubbles. But I love my swirly pretty skin, I spend hours gazing at it, critiqueing it, complaining about it, crying about it, wishing it was like the skin of that other bubble across the street. 

When did we start playing this rediculous game? Maybe its like when I was a kid, and my friends and I would get lost in our imaginary barbie world of weddings and tea parties, only we forgot to stop playing so long that we forgot we were playing at all and just kept on going, and then among all kinds of other shit we created this story of this guy called Jesus, who was our savior, our God or the son of God, but some *other* people killed him, and they should be held accountable, but not us, we didn't do anything wrong. In fact, we accept Jesus as our saviour, and because we believe in him means that we can do whatever the fuck we want now and pretend that we dont have to be accountable. But those other people...its THEY'RE fault, punish them, not us. We are the ones that killed him though, we thought up the idea to kill him, and we thought up some other people to have done it so that we can tell God that's it wasn't our fault, because actually we think we "killed" God and replaced him (covered him up by putting paper bags over our heads) with one that we made by drawing him how we want with giant crayons on the insides of our paper bags. And our guilt just manifested this dream of Jesus, who came to earth to "save" us, but we killed him and he loves us anyway. Hmm, like we fell asleep and are manifesting out self imposed guilt in our dream that we think is this reality. 

 And then back in real life, where we actually are though our minds are stuck in this pathetic game, our loving parents are watching us curiously. They love us and we never got seperated from them at all, they are still watching us and loving us, and will continue to for as long as we keep on playing, but eventually we will come out of it. Our bubbles will pop, and we will see that God has always been there and always loved us, even as he watched us make up this rediculous play story of killing him and stealing his power, and then feeling guilty about it, and hiding our guilt in this material world we think we live in.... God is the air around the bubbles and inside the bubbles. The air is the air, it does not become something else when it gets closed up in a bubble.

So in this imaginary world where we have trapped ourselves, we are really just looking at the inside of our bubble, and reflecting all kinds of things off the projector screen that is swirling right before our eyes, and we forgot that there is something on the other side of the screen, the entire world is there, but we want to believe that the end of the bubble is the end of the universe. We are stupid, you see, because its like being in a movie theater, and watching the screen, and we see all this stuff we like, and stuff we hate, and have all kinds of emotions about it, but the funny part is that it is impossible for anything to get projected onto the screen other than what the projecter is projecting!!!!!! 

Everything that is here...I created it. Everything that happens to me...I created it. I revel in the guilt, in the self hatred, in the denial of god, in the denial of myself. If I am not successful, its because I set myself up for failure. Its because I created this hole when I put the paper bag over my head so that I could pretend that I hurt God and stole his power and that I am seperate from him and that I have to hide because when he find's out, he's gonna punish me. But I secretly think I deserve to be punished, even though I never hurt God and never stole from him and he is not going to punish me, he Loves me no matter what...but I like to punish myself, and I like to keep failing, because that reinforces that I am worthless and weak and undeserving of love. So I have this hole where God used to be, but I ripped him out, hence the hole, and so I keep throwing stuff in the hole trying to fill it. I throw food in the hole mostly, always have. Some people throw alchohol, some drugs, some nicotene, some throw shopping in there, or lots of pairs of shoes, or sex, or television, or video games, some throw battered women or murdered people in there, but we all throw something in there, and its all the same. WE ARE TRYING TO FILL A HOLE THAT ISN'T EVEN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which is why it never gets filled. Never. The hole is where God is, and God is still there because God permeatues us, we could rip ourselves apart to specs, and God still permeatues every particle of our consciousness, of our being, but we covered him up and pretend that he isnt there and pretend that we have this hole and that we are lacking and that we must throw all of these things in there to try and fill it, which makes us feel better for about two seconds, and then its empty again, so we find some more or something else to throw in there......and then we feel guilty that we did that so we have to cover up the guilt that we put in the hole by putting more useless junk in the hole, and then we feel guilty about that so we put more in.......And then if we ever realize what we are doing, we start feeling guilty that we started playing the game in the first place and that we covered up God...so now we are ostriches with our heads in the sand, and we know that God is ALL around us, but we like to keep up the illusion that if we pretend that we can't see him, then he can't see us, and then we can go on feeling more and more guilty in this endless pattern of shenanigans.

There is no such thing is fear. We made it up, and we sustain the illusion that it's there.

I want to wake up now. I am tired of this game. Can we change the tape now?

Maybe someday I will find someone else that is ready to stop playing, and then maybe we can help keep one another from sticking our heads back in the sand by making it our soul purpose in life to keep the other person awake....what do you think would be the outcome of that?

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Cic1py

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

When people complain or are dissatisfied with their lives, they often blame others for their unhappy state of affairs. If it isn’t the fault of others, then they claim it is due to ‘bad luck’ or how ‘unfair’ the world is. They seem to blame everything except themselves. Such an attitude is self-defeating, for complaints are wasted effort and divert attention from possible solutions. They don’t yet understand that life doesn’t happen TO us. It happens BECAUSE of us. They haven’t awakened to the fact that destiny or fate is not arbitrary and predetermined. Rather, we create our own destiny. After all, our present conditions were brought about by our past actions, and our present actions will create our future circumstances.

Why do people blame everything but themselves for their unhappiness? Because it is painful to admit that our lack of success is not due to any quirk of fate, but to our own lack of responsiveness to the opportunities that were presented to us. But once we admit the truth, great power is unleashed. For then we will realize that our lives are not controlled by the whims of fate, but by ourselves, by our own actions, and by our own willpower. It is exciting to realize that we can do anything we set our mind to. Yet, after coming close to reaching this point, some then cop out by claiming they don’ t have any willpower, as if there was a willpower gene that somehow they are lacking.

http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/selfdiscipline.htm

That is Sooooooo me. Well kind of. I don't really complain about it so much anymore, I am pretty honest with myself, and I know why I don't do the things I should do. Often though, in the moment of these things, I am unconscious, and then just after starting or half way through or afterwards, I wake up to the fact that I said I was not going to do this or that anymore, but since I just started or are already in the process or already did the undesired though or speech or action, I'll reason that I'll let it slide this time .....slippery slope. Though I am learning to have compassion about it and not beat myself up about it as much which is helping me to remain conscious of what I am doing most of the time. I am putting this at the top of my priority list. I have tried this so many times before but started out with secretly no intention of following through it, unconsciously of course.   So this morning I got up and went for a walk at 6am. It was nice. I think i must have prayed the whole time, I only walked for a half hour though, which is better than nothing. I realized I could pray the rosary every morning while doing that, that would be smart, two birds with one stone, well technically 3 because that would be helping my self discipline. One of my clients said the most genious thing to me the other day and I am sure she had no idea how much of an impact she had on me...she said "Don't think, just do it." OMFG that is brilliant, duh. Every time I sit around and contemplate doing or not doing something, I am bringing the past or future into it and projecting discomfort of the past into the future which does not even exist. If I don't think, I am right here, and the Present is the answer to everything. Fear does not exist here. It can't exist here. Right now I am free.  

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

“If we are willing to persevere, to be patient, and to work at self-discipline, to aspire

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

YESSSSS OMFG GAS WENT DOWN 5 CENTS ACROSS FROM MY WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Dear Friends,

The first public responses to The Red Goddess are being posted online, and we are thrilled with the reaction, as well as the emails sent to us.

Wanted to share this latest one from Lashtal forums with you all:

I got my copy of The Red Goddess a few days ago and I've done little more than read it since it arrived. It's a gorgeous book. It was expensive (at US$93 incl shipping), but 3/4 of the way through it, I can tell you: Man is it worth every penny! This is a serious piece of business. I'm not a Thelemite, nor a card-carry member of any tradition, but I am a practicing Tantrist and have studied and used various Western and Eastern practices for most of my life. I've never NOT been a devotee of The Goddess. With that as background, I count this as one of the best books I've ever read in the field. Peter Grey is a phenomenal writer. He's obviously well-researched, well-read, and well-practiced, but there's a relaxed, cocky, almost punk-rock style to his prose. There's real heart, gut, and immediacy here, and a kind of intoxicated lyricism -- it's gonzo occultism! But that's all balanced with sound scholarship, big ideas, and a palpable devotion to the subject matter. This is a man who LOVES his Holy Whore. As to do I. I'm so thrilled to be able to add this book as a tool in my devotion.

I can't recommend this book highly enough. I can only hope that after he's exhausted the 777 copies in this edition, he puts out a cheaper general market version. This is few nights in bed with the Goddess (I've been up till dawn the last two nights reading it) that everyone working with Her (or those just interested in knowing what the attraction is) should experience.

On a more tiresome note, the first overpriced copy has sneaked onto ebay.
This is a contraversial book and will scald a few readers into selling it on, that is also a sign of success, the books will all find their rightful owners. We still have plenty of stock left though, and without a marked up price. Again, thanks to our friends who draw our attention to these online listings. We are vigilant.

All our best,

In Nomine Babalon

Scarlet Imprint x

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

To Know, to Will, to Dare, to Keep Silent.

 Speak not of what you know at all until you become that which you seek to serve.

"Whosoever will discover who we are, will wish either to extort from us our secret, or to plan our ruin, if we refuse to reveal it to them. The world today is so wicked and so perverse; interest and ambition so dominate men that all their actions have no other aim but the satisfaction of these passions. Do we wish, as the Apostles, to perform works of mercy, and return to us evil for good. "

"And here let me give a word of advice to students. It has been proven all times that only those who apprehend the value of silence ever come into possession of Truth. It is something that never yet has been transmitted by word of mouth. It is projected by the thought of more advanced minds, and gained only through inutitional percetpion in the silence."

"Only one person should ever share this confidence with another, and that other should be a true and loving companion of the opposite sex. It is advisable for two to work and think together, because in this way the thought becomes wholly sexed, intellect supplements intuition and results are apt to be surer and quicker. Not that it is impossible to come into this unfoldment alone. Many of the older Alchemists were monks, one was a cardinal, one a pope, many were hermits."

"Alchemy is the divinity of man achived in union with faith, the true Magi are Men-Gods, in virtue of their intimate union with the divine principle. They are without fears and without desires, dominated by no falsehood, sharing no error, loving without illusion, suffering without impatiece, reposing in the quietude of eternal thought. They lean on religion, but are not weighed down thereby; they know what it is, and also that it is necessary and eternal. For debased souls, religion is a yoke imposed through self-interest by the cowardice of fear and the follies of hope; for exalted souls, it is a force which originates from an intensiffied reliance on the Love of Humanity. A Magus cannot be ignorant, for magic implies superiority, mastership, majority, and majority signifies emancipation by knowledge. The magus welcomes pleasure, accepts wealth, deserves honor, but is never a slave of one of them; he knows how to be poor, to abstain, and to suffer; he endures oblivion willingly because he is lord of his own happiness, and expects or fears nothing from the caprice of fortune. he can love without being loved; he can create imperishable treasures, and exalt himself above the level of honors or the prizes of the lottery. He possesses that which he seeks, namely, profound peace. He regrets nothing which must end, but remembers with satisfaction that he has met with good in all. His hope is a certitude, for he knows that good is eternal and evil transitory. He enjoys solitude but does not fly the society of man; he is a child with children, joyous with the young, staid with the old, and patient with the foolish, happy with the wise but cannot bear the vulgar. He smiles with all who smile, and mourns with all who weep; applauding strength, he is yet indulgent to weakness, offending no one, he has himself no need to pardon, for he never thinks himself offended; he pities those who misconcieve him, and seeks and opportunity to serve them; by the force of kindness only does he avenge himself on the ungrateful; he leans with affection on all arms streched out to him in the day of trouble, anddoes not mistake the irritable proide of Rousseau for a virtue. He knows that he helps others by giving them the occasion for doing good, and he never meets an offer or a demand with a refusal." 

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Its like getting too much change in a shop, its a dilemma.. you need to be quick, ‘shall I take the money ?!’ ‘its a big outfit, they can afford it, but then again its stealing,,, but they’re ripping me off anyway’ ‘what to do?!’ of course if you take the cash you’re sure to be arrested, punched to the ground by a surly security guard, jostled by the Police, embarrassing court appearances, losing your job, , house, car, partner, all over 5 pence change... oh take the money .. **** it, thats what OBAMA is saying... you couldn’t really turn down a billion, then about another 4 billion over the pathetic $85 million that the Public Purse is giving him in the US Presidential elections, even though it has made him a liar already... its ******’ hilarious, its all about the ******’ money to these people, he could have done OK with the Public Funds, a million a day will buy you a lot of sincere and annoying TV adverts, but no, that's not enough, he has gone back on his word already, and decided to take the billions offered by contributors to his funds. I would do the same if I were him because I’m not a politician, I’m allowed to lie , cheat, scrabble around in the pool of despair that us ordinary beings have to contend with... I would be piling millions in to offshore bank accounts and buying up Islands of the coast of Panama (are there Islands there - must be ?), go in for a minor operation in some South American hospital, and quietly leave through the back door when no-one’s watching... but that's me !!! not the superhero of American politics, that all the little people have been donating their $25. dollars to, to get rid of the lying inept turd brain that they currently have residing in Capital Hill... c’mon kids if he’s lying now what's he going to do when he gets in ??!! liar liar pans on fire..

I was extremely impressed by The Verve at Glastonbury,,,  not a big fan, but they seem to have turned in to a confident & huge stadium band, and certainly Richard Ashcroft has taken control, I liked the fact that he really sings, and has pushed his voice live and that there was so much space in their sound...  I wish someone would give Mark Ronson a push off the precipice though, this was the most dreadful and 'show-band' load of tripe I've ever heard...  why not go the whole hog and book himself out for weddings..  ******' dreadful, and take Lilly Allen with you, doesn't even know the lyrics to her own hit records..  probably because her Dad wrote it..

www.marshallstar.co.uk

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Want is poor mortal's wages, when his toil produces only loss of pain and oil.

--Hermetic Arcanum

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Cavemanchem

Cavemanchem2

Read and post comments | Send to a friend